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A doctor goes on a bizarre rant about proper language use. Afterward, I check “yes” on a physics teacher and a guy who tells me he was so nervous he almost didn’t come tonight. My comic friend tells me it’s a great way to meet guys.“I was drinking at a bar across the street,” he confesses, “and I told myself that I could either drink here alone or walk across the street and meet somebody great.” I pat him lightly on the arm. The next day, though, I get an email from Fast Life saying neither of my choices matched me back. We stand in a circle, repeating our names in silly voices. I admit that at 27, relationships are mostly a process of failing upward.She’s a pal who runs a professional matchmaking company in Toronto called Friend of a Friend. Your friends have to know that you’re single and looking. Just remember that you only need one job, and you only need one man.Sofi compares finding a boyfriend to sending out resumés. But there’s gonna be millions of almost-hads leading up to it.” In other words, I’m going to have to go on a lot of interviews.She has an amazingly calming presence as she tells me, “You already have a partner—you are married to yourself.You’re already in a lifelong commitment with your best lover and your best friend.” She has an exercise in mind she says will help open me up to meeting someone.I chug a double gin and tonic as the buzzer sounds and I begin my first of 10 five-minute dates in an hour.I talk to a Fed Ex manager with a sister who’s a country singer in Nashville, and a schmoozy finance guy whose wildest moment was having sex in a Gap change room.

The venue is a lounge with white couches, mirrored walls and approximately 30 chandeliers.

I don’t meet anyone, but I do get talking to a 17-year-old girl named Spencer who attends an arts high school. She says I should meet her mom, who runs Evolution of a Butterfly, which offers “erotic and holy” workshops for women seeking their inner goddesses.

Its website states: “You will learn techniques on how to …

DAY 2: VAMPIRESUNDAY I set up an Ok Cupid profile under the name “vampiresunday.” (It’s a play on the band Vampire Weekend, which I hope will appeal to indie rockers who own yachts.) I fill out endless questionnaires, telling the algorithm I’m a neurotic writer with thick thighs, ADD and a degree in cinema studies. ” Many others ask for my favourite taco restaurants and acclaimed cable TV shows.

According to Ok Cupid, I am “More Independent,” “Less Love-Driven” and “Less Conventionally Moral” than the average user. I exchange messages with an arborist who calls himself “eating_almonds.” On his profile he admits to shoplifting Bioré pore strips, which I find oddly attractive.

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create more energy around your sexual chakra.” I go to Patrusha Sarakula’s cozy house for a chakra realignment—or something.